Despite having serious ethical and moral reservations about starting IVF treatment, I decided to go forward as a last ditch attempt to conceive. I'm not by any means past it, but I do feel that it's not ideal for a woman in her mid 30s to give birth.

I'm not one of those maternal types. In fact, kids haven't been a burning desire of mine but being happily married, I think I owe it to my husband (who does want a family) to give it one last chance. I'm not certain about the interfering with nature element of this either. Purely from an evolutionary perspective, I believe that I'm obviously not meant to reproduce due to some defect in my genetic code and that's it. If the IVF works, I will obviously be concerned about the health of any such offspring for the same reasons.

My infertility cannot be pinned down to a particular problem. On the face of it, I should be ok but never having actively tried to prevent pregnancy for ten years, and tried various drugs such as chlomid, it seems that a successful outcome is unlikely. For a woman in particular, the whole process of pursuing fertility treatment is quite intrusive, fraught with inconvenience and stress.

When we attended our pre-treatment session with the nurse, I almost pulled out in a panic. The prospect of weeks of drugs and injections freaked me out severely. I hate taking any form of medicine and am conscious of how hormonal changes might affect my personality and wellbeing. The doctor also asked if I would be willing to participate in a trial of a drug for people with PCO which resulted in me refusing instantaneously and being a bit traumatised. Perhaps I should have gone for counselling before starting this process. Due to the amount of time I've spent over the years having scans/tests, taking fertility drugs, receiving no clear indication as to the cause of my infertility and general detriment to my enjoyment of life, we've agreed that we'll only do one cycle of IVF and no more.

Anyhow, I am terrified of needles. An early frightening experience with a school innoculation left me scarred for life. My husband has been very patient as he now has to administer the drugs and has been doing so quite well so far. We've identified, the crease underneath each buttock as being the least painful and easiest area for injecting. At least I can't see the needle I suppose.

It's been ten days now of bureselin injections and I'm slowly getting used to the routine of daily jabs. Side effects so far have luckily been restricted to a bit of bloating and not so fortunately, an allergic reaction to the drug resulting in hives!!!!

I've never had this condition before and it's dreadful. The itchiness is unbearable and I can only hope that these will disappear as quickly as they appeared. It's weird but the rash has appeared on the bottom right hand side of my abdomen and on my forearms, on the opposite side to my elbows!

Next week, I have to have my "suppressed scan" to see if the bureselin has in fact invoked a menopause. I hope it has because the prospect of extending the period for bureselin injections scares me something silly. I will have to get up at 05:00 to ensure I can get there and back to work in time without arousing suspicion (there's no way I'm telling work because I don't want the pressure of everyone knowing). If I am deemed to be "suppressed" I then move onto a regime of two injections per day to stimulate the ovaries to produce eggs.

The whole IVF process is quite stressful in itself which is not ideal as the more relaxed you are the more it is likely to work. I have to travel miles into London, very early in the morning for lots of scans and regular blood tests (another phobia of mine) which can make life difficult in terms of balancing work and home life. I just want the whole thing over and done with asap. I'll keep you posted.

A couple of good friends came over yesterday with their new puppy called Wrigley. He's a black labrador, the image of mine when he was that age.

I'd forgotten how their bursts of exuberence and energy can make you feel in touch with life. My dogs (Dooley, the black labrador who's 5 years old and Max, the rottweiler x golden retriever aged 8), were so tolerant of this tiny invader.

Wrigley tried to jump on them, play with their tails and ears and tried to challenge Max to a play fight. Max's grandfatherly side came out. He gave the assertive "No" bark when needed and tolerated the playfulness for hours. Dooley just didn't know what to make of Wrigley at all. At one point, he just wanted peace and quiet so hid himself away. Wrigley brought out characteristics in my own dogs, I hadn't seen or appreciated.

The funniest thing Wrigley did was demonstrate "instant sleep". He was charging around for ages then all of a sudden laid down and immediately went to sleep.

After having been quite ill recently, experiencing Wrigley's joy and innocence made my weekend. It showed me that sometimes I spend to much time worrying about incidentals in life such as work, stability and getting myself dragged down by the gravity of life.  He was such a star and ended up going home with lots of hand-me-downs from Dooley and Max - I'm sure they won't mind.

Life itself I guess, yields its own unique tonics in often the most unexpected or surprising sources. This might be in the form of spending time with young lives, a smile from your husband when he does not know you can see him looking at you, appreciating wild flowers, staring into a storm or feeling the warmth of the sun on your face or best of all a beautiful black labrador puppy.

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=2085302918288730915

This video is so cute - my labrador Dooley and my three houserabbits "Sharing a Bean". Poor Dooley comes out worst of course.

Today was a bit of a disaster as far as I was concerned.

I needed to get to Hammersmith IVF for 07:00 for my Query Suppressed Scan. Waking at 05:00, I dragged my husband out of bed to give me a lift to the station. He is so lovely.

I was there at 05:40, plenty of time to catch the first train of the day at 05:50. Of course, it was all going so smoothly until at approximately, 05:48, it was announced that overnight engineering works had not finished and the tracks had not been released! The train eventually left at 06:10 - my stress levels began to rise as I know how critical it is not to miss an appointment.

Luckily, I had decided to put my trainers on with my formal work suit to speed my journey. Various changes and tube journeys later, I arrived at White City at 06:55. Normally the walk to the hospital is 15 minutes so I grabbed a taxi and got there for 07:03! My stress levels were sky high at this point.

Anyhow, I calmed down by the ultrasound scan which happened immediately upon arrival and I was disappointed to find that the Bureselin had not done its job as yet and that I needed to double the injections over the next week! More jabs!!!!!!!! Apparently there are small cysts on the ovaries which can be caused by the Bureselin.

I then broke down during the blood test as I was finding the whole experience quite harrowing. The poor trainee looked quite disturbed. Why do I react like this to something I should be used to by now?

I was also told that I will need to be there next Thursday at 07:10 for another scan and blood test. Horror - next week I have to be at work for 09:00 because of Trainee Recruitment and as you know, I have chosen not to share my IVF process with work for various reasons. Realising that I would need to be prescribed drugs then and this would mean waiting until 08:00 for the pharmacy to open, I asked the doctor if he could prescribe them today and he kindly agreed. The staff at Hammersmith IVF are fantastic.

I got to the pharmacy for 07:50 and by 08:20, I had more Bureselin and Gonal F drugs to take away.  On my way out, I phoned my husband and cried because I knew that he would be going to Brussels next week and I would have to handle everything alone. He is such a star - he cancelled his business trip so he could be supportive and on hand to help me next Thursday.

I then had to run all the way, tears and all, to White City to catch a train as no taxis were outside the hospital. A mad rush through Holborn, King's Cross, stop to buy a ticket to get me to my work destination and a run to King's Cross Thameslink for the train. It arrived at 09:10. I needed to be at work by 10:00 at the latest today so felt a bit relieved when it set off.

Needless to say, halfway down the line, it broke down and remained stationary for 15 minutes or so. Thoughts raced through my mind about excuses to make etc about being so late (I'm usually in work for 08:00!) It pulled in at 09:55, another taxi later and into work for 10:05! What a nightmare.

Anyhow, all this does just make me wonder whether or not the IVF process itself is conducive to success? Surely all this running about, trying to balance work, sanity, home and IVF detracts from the chances of a successful pregnancy.

Oh, my rash has gone down by the way - just little red marks now so there is something positive to say. However, I am quite bloated around the abdomen - very attractive.

Next Thursday, I will have to make it into London for 07:10 and back to work for 09:00. Wish me luck! Failure to achieve this is not an option and I could be in serious trouble if I'm late. I'll keep you posted.

Well, the best thing I can say about today is that at least all the trains ran on time for a change and I managed to get to and from Hammersmith IVF and into work for 08:30 after a 05:00 start!

However, despite a week of taking a double dose of Bureselin (or Suprecur), the scan revealed that I still have cysts on both ovaries. Therefore, this means that I may still be producing oestrogen which would interfere with the process.

The doctor suggested that I needed to go into surgery (ideally tomorrow but maybe Monday or Tuesday next week) to have the cysts drained which would enable me to move onto the Gonal F drug.

I managed to cope with the blood test today without trauma or event.

However, later in the afternoon, I received a phone call from the doctor insisting that I come in tomorrow, with someone to take me home, for surgery. I explained (as I had in the morning) that I cannot take time off work tomorrow. This is the only week in the year when I have to be present every day - we're doing trainee recruitment and having only a small team, all hands are required. There was no justification provided as to why this had to be done tomorrow as opposed to early next week.

Unfortunately and to my surprise, having had excellent experience of the staff at Hammersmith IVF, the doctor started pressurising me into coming in tomorrow. Despite my explanation that I could not take the day off because I was not prepared to risk my job and further, that my husband would be moving us into our new home and would therefore not be available to take me home, she took a very unsupportive stance that lacked empathy or consideration of my situation.  I was very disappointed with her manner and the way she spoke to me. After all, it was apparently ok for the surgery to take place next week when I have the time off!

The doctor said "Well, it's your treatment and if you want to risk it, that's your problem". Hardly what I would consider to be an excellent example of bedside manner! Was I really being that unreasonable?

Anyhow, I await to see what she comes up with tomorrow. My treatment may be postponed now which leaves me seriously considering if I want to continue. No-one warned us that there was a possibility of needing an additional operation under sedation for this reason. The cysts were present last week and no mention made of this possibility.

This whole process is seemingly ever more fraught with unpredictability and difficulty. I am so pleased that I am only doing this once - how women go through cycle after cycle of it I simply do not understand.

Well, I was working hard as I had to be today when I received a phone call in the afternoon from the same doctor as yesterday.

Thankfully, the operation can in fact be done on Monday which I have booked off. I'll let you know how it goes.