Hi

I'm off shortly to do one of the most scary things that I've ever done but am hoping it will also be the most rewarding and stimulating experience in my life.

Following two years of IVF treatment, I'm off to Madagascar to do some voluntary wildlife conservation for a month. To me, this is like venturing to the moon because I'm not a traveller and have never gone anywhere on my own before.

I can't believe how many things there are to think about - medical kits, clothing, jabs, visas (Kenyan transit and Madagascar), flights, currency, local customs etc.

In terms of jabs, I'm undergoing inoculations against Rabies, Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B, Typhoid, Yellow Fever (because I'm travelling via Nairobi), Diphteria, Polio and Tetanus! The timings of all of these are quite critical too and just another thing to think about.

The scariest aspect for me is making sure I make it to the ultimate destination in Madagascar which entails a 7 hour bus journey.

I'll keep you posted.

Redzer x

My husband and I excitedly attended IVF Hammersmith this morning for our six week scan. Everything appeared to be going well (apart from the incident last Thursday) and my pregnancy symptoms have continued to develop. I have been having sleepless nights, interrupted by need to visit the loo, extreme tiredness in the afternoons and my breasts are so painful.

Anyhow, we had a bit of a nightmare getting to the clinic today - traffic on the A1M was horrendous, making us 20 minutes late for our appointment.

The sonographer was very patient and welcomed us. Unfortunately, she could not find a viable pregnancy during the scan and informed us that potentially there may be an ectopic pregnancy which she could not detect. We were devastated as we'd come to terms with the fact that we might be parents at long last.

I had to go for a blood test to see how the HCG levels are doing and may have to go back for further treatment. In any case, the miscarriage is going to be managed by the staff at IVF Hammersmith.

We won't be doing IVF any more as there are no more embryos left and the stress and disruption to our lives over the past 18 months has been significant. However, there are no regrets - we have achieved what we set out to. We have peace of mind that we've done everything possible to try and now we can get on with our lives.

Redzer

We're both cautiously excited right now about me being pregnant. Thankfully I've not been suffering from any nausea so far, just mild headaches, sore and ever-expanding breasts and a little sleeplessness. My sense of smell has definitely become more acute which can be awful when travelling on public transport in particular.

I've also experienced mild cramping, particularly in the morning from time to time.

Unfortunately, this morning would have to be the worst pregnancy-related problem I've experienced so far. I woke from a deep sleep with extreme pain in my lower abdomen and sever cramping. I became clammy and cold and could not walk and struggled to reach the bathroom. My poor husband called for help and the nurse on the end of the phone talked him through how to look after me. The episode lasted about thirty minutes before the pain went.  There has been no bleeding thankfully but I have had to take the day off work and was instructed to visit the doctor asap. What a nightmare!

We have our six week scan on Monday so hopefully we will be able to see a heartbeat for the first time.

Well, it did happen as predicted; my sister asked my husband and me to be godparents to her daughter.

Knowing that this might be on the cards, we had discussed this possibility and knew that we had to decline, although recognised that this might lead to potential negative repercussions. We're atheist in every sense of the word and being asked to be a godparent at a catholic baptism, where the parents are not church-goers (or even possibly believers) just seemed unreasonable. Furthermore, my brother-in-law admitted it was to ensure her daughter gets into a good school.

We strongly feel that declining the invitation was the right thing to have done, even though it is likely the rest of my family will now have an opportunity to sit in judgement about our beliefs. A friend of mine said that it's very easy for atheists to look rationally at an issue such as this because we do not see any serious repercussions to not believing. However, believers take responsibility for preventing the likes of us from going to hell. A lot of my family are extremely religious and I think this will potentially may lead to a deterioration in my relationship with them as they may see my husband and me as a potentially negative or borderline evil presence in our niece's life. To me, there is something unethical about commiting a child, who is not able to make a choice, to a religion they do not understand.

Anyhow, we are not prepared to commit to something we are unable to fulfil and therefore and know that the decision was made in good conscience. My sister and her husband sat in silence for ages despite my husband saying it was very nice to be asked but that it was something we could not do. We did however, say we would attend the christening, from an observer's perspective and would look after the child if ever this became necessary.

The christening is in July. I'll let you know how it goes.

Redzer

Off we set at 07:17 this morning to IVF Hammersmith for our pregnancy blood test. Obviously, I already knew there was a strong likelihood that I might be pregnant, having had a positive urine test earlier this week but with our experience in January in mind, I was not going to prejudge the outcome of this test.

In the last couple of days, I've had very light spotting which is apparently a sign of the embryo burrowing into the womb wall. I have also been feeling very tired, uncharacteristically and extremely irritable (as my husband will testify) and a little bit queasy in the morning.

Anyhow, one of the nurses rang me at about 12:00 with the great news that I am pregnant and that the hormone levels are normal. I have to return in a couple of weeks for a pregnancy scan.

It's still very early days so although very pleased that the last year has not been wasted, I am aware that it's very early days.

Redzer x

 I thought it might be good to give an update prior to my visit to IVF Hammersmith on Monday for a pregnancy test. In the last few days, I've been experiencing interrupted sleep (due to many visits to the loo) and have been extremely tired in the afternoons. I haven't had any significant breast pain. These experiences are completely different to the way I felt in January when I had a chemical pregnancy. Further, some of these symptoms may well be due to the progesterone and oestrogen supplements I am continuing to take.

Anyhow, I did a test a couple of days ago (at night which was pointless in any case) and it was negative. However, at 03:00 today,  I again had to get up and thought I would try again; the result was entirely different - positive. My husband got up at the same time so I could show him the test.

Obviously, our experience last time was not great and it is still very early days. I need to find out from IVF Hammersmith on Monday about the HCG hormone levels to ensure they are within the bands of having the potential to sustain a pregnancy to full term. However, this does feel like good news and that the last three months' preparation has not gone to waste.

If it is truely positive and I am pregnant, then a lot will have to change career-wise perhaps and there will be tonnes to think about. For the moment, I'm not going to allow myself to get too upbeat until I have all the facts. The embryologist did suggest that because one of the embryos had cells dividing prior to transfer, that this was a very good sign.

I thought I would write this blog further down the line than my previous entries. Primarily I guess, this might be because I'm so used to the process now that I don't feel it's worth going over my reactions to blood tests etc. Incidentally, I have been pleased to note that IVF Hammersmith appear to have completely streamlined the process, presumably to save the clients having to undergo pointless tests and numerous journeys in. This time round it has seemed relatively easy and straightforward.

My husband and I had only three embryos left before today, which will be our final ever implant and IVF/ICSI process. Two embryos survived the defrosting and it was very encouraging that one of these, had started to divide after thawing. The one that had started to divide was three cells and four cells at the point of transfer. The other embryo was only two cells.

There were approximately ten couples at the clinic today for either fresh or frozen cycle transfers so unfortunately we did have a long wait. However, Carl was exceptional as ever in terms of his sensitivity and attentiveness. The sister too, was very good and in all the transfer itself only took a matter of seconds. We thanked Mr Barsoum and the others for all their help and support over the last year. We have a lot of time for Mr Barsoum - he's always so professional and encouraging.

Anyhow, I need to return on 5 May for that all important blood test so fingers crossed for us. A summary of the drug regime etc is provided below for reference. I shall write to let you know the outcome on 5 May.

Redzer

	14/02/2008	Provera (2 tablets)
	15/02/2008	Provera (2 tablets)
	16/02/2008	Provera (2 tablets)
	17/02/2008	Provera (2 tablets)
	18/02/2008	Provera (2 tablets)
	19/02/2008
	20/02/2008
	21/02/2008
	22/02/2008
	23/02/2008
1	24/02/2008	Period started
2	25/02/2008
3	26/02/2008
4	27/02/2008
5	28/02/2008
6	29/02/2008
7	01/03/2008
8	02/03/2008
9	03/03/2008
10	04/03/2008
11	05/03/2008
12	06/03/2008
13	07/03/2008
14	08/03/2008
15	09/03/2008
16	10/03/2008
17	11/03/2008
18	12/03/2008
19	13/03/2008
20	14/03/2008
21	15/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	1
22	16/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	2
23	17/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	3
24	18/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	4
25	19/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	5
26	20/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	6
27	21/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	7
28	22/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	8
29	23/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	9
30	24/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	10
31	25/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	11
32	26/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	12
33	27/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	13
34	28/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	14
35	29/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	15
36	30/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	16
37	31/03/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	17
38	01/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml) x 2	18	Query suppressed scan 8:00 (cysts)
39	02/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml) x 2	19
40	03/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml) x 2	20
41	04/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml) x 2	21
42	05/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml) x 2	22
43	06/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml) x 2	23	Slight bleeding
44	07/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml) x 2	24
45	08/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml) x 1 Evorel 100 x 1	25	QSS and blood test 7:50 (one cyst). Slight bleeding
46	09/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	26
47	10/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml) x 1 Evorel 100 x 1	27
48	11/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	28
49	12/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml) x 1 Evorel 100 x 1	29
50	13/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	30
51	14/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml) x 1, Evorel 100 x 2	31
52	15/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	32
53	16/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml) x 1, Evorel 100 x 2	33
54	17/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	34
55	18/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml) x 1, Evorel 100 x 2	35	Scan 7:50
56	19/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml)	36
57	20/04/2008	Buserelin (50ml) x 1, Evorel 100 x 2	37
58	21/04/2008	Progesterone x 2	38
59	22/04/2008	Progesterone x 2, Evorel 100 x 2	39
60	23/04/2008	Progesterone x 2	40	Embryo implantation 10:00 (3 defrosted, 2 transferred)

Maybe today was just destined to be frustrating. I had the usual problem with trying to buy a ticket extra to my season ticket that would take me to Hammersmith.

The consultant kept my husband and me waiting for nearly half an hour with no apology and we felt he was rushing us. I thought this was a real cheek considering the one occasion I was nearly 15 minutes late and was told I was lucky to be seen!

We were given no invitation to ask questions about the outcome of our first Frozen Embryo Cycle. I did however ask what the chances are of our last attempt might be, considering there are only three embryos and the last try resulted in a chemical pregnancy. We were told that the success of embryo transfer is entirely random and that there is as much chance of the next one working as the last. He also confirmed that there is an expectation that 2 out of the three embryos should survive defrosting. I was concerned that if the embryos are all genetically deficient then there would be little point in continuing.

£155 later for the consultation, we went through to book our next cycle to find that the cost has increased of a Frozen Embryo Cycle by £150! (£800 to £950). Somewhat above inflation you would think! Not impressed.

At some point I think I will summarise the total cost of our treatment for your benefit as it certainly has stacked up when you consider the extra travel, drugs, consultancy fees etc.

Last week, when on holiday, I did a pregnancy test which was positive and I definitely felt pregnant. However, I visited IVF Hammersmith today for another blood test which revealed that unfortunately I have miscarried. The HCG levels had been very low (6) and obviously not increased significantly over the last couple of weeks.

We're philosophical I guess about the outcome, as it was predicted two weeks ago by a doctor at the unit. I've booked an appointment with the consultant for a follow-up at the  beginning of February.

There are three embryos left now so one more chance available. I very much want to get through this and get on with my life now. There's a strong chance of none surviving the defrosting and we're not prepared to undergo any more egg collections.

We went for the blood test very early this morning at IVF Hammersmith and spent several hours anxiously anticipating the result.

At 12:20, whilst doing some gardening, I received the call and the result was unexpected to say the least. At this point, much like last time, I would have expected to receive a definitive answer - either a positive or negative. However, the doctor informed me that the result showed a positive for HCG, but this was at such low levels (6 as opposed to at least 50) that it is unlikely to result in a viable pregnancy. I have to return in a week's time for another blood test.

I have been experiencing a number of symptoms recently such as very sore breasts, tiredness and some minor nausea so this must reflect the fact that something has happened.